Both Awake and Asleep... A Lucid Living Dream?

I was very taken by To be Half Awake and Half Asleep, as written by Tom Stine. Go read it. Really. Then come back and see what I've got to say (I mean, if you want to. You might just want to stay on Tom's site, and that's okay with me.)

I understand exactly what it is to be both spiritually awake and asleep, simultaneously. This is the state I've been in for a very long time now. I seem to be operating from more than one point of view simultaneously (well, most of the time; more on that in a minute). I am very much aware of the illusionary nature of the world around me, of how my thoughts and beliefs shape my reality (though I haven't yet got a perfect handle on managing those thoughts and beliefs well enough to really have precise control). I am very much aware of the fact that time and space are arbitrary and illusionary and conditional. I know, in other words, that I'm living in a dream.

And yet, I still have plenty of times when I am drawn right back into it, and I act and react to it with single-mindedness and singular point of view. Lately, I've been becoming aware of some very deep and very subtle patterns of thought, subtle beliefs. It is certainly true that my ego-self is unravelling and has been for many years now. I would like to think I'm close to being done with this dissolution of the attachments to my material self, but who knows? Certainly not I.

But, as I pondered this, providence delivered this synchronicity to me. It's from Awakening: Conversations with the Masters, by Anthony DeMello:

The disciples were sitting on the bank of a river.

"If I fall off this bank, will I drown?" one of them asked.
 
"No," said the Master. "It isn’t falling in that causes you to drown, it’s staying in."

I suppose this simultaneously awakened and not-awakened state is similar to falling in the river. I'm metaphorically learning to swim.

Thoughts on Forgiveness

This is adapted from a forum post I made more than a year ago, and of which I was reminded. I thought I'd share it here because, well, why not?

Having grown up with highly dysfunctional parents, I've had a lot of trauma and other experiences that contributed to making me very angry, resentful, bitter, and various other negative things. After processing all of those negative emotions and memories (a process which took years and a major upheaval in my life), what I've found most healing is forgiveness, of others, and of myself.

After years of struggling with the whole idea of forgiveness, I finally understood that my refusal to forgive was only hurting me. The people who hurt me really could not have cared less if I forgave them or not. As far as they were concerned, they were in the right, anyway, and if I held a grudge, well, too bad for me! So by harbouring all of my anger and refusing to forgive them, I was hurting nobody but myself, and keeping myself miserable.

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not for others. It is not the same thing as reconciliation. Yes, sometimes when you forgive it can lead to reconciliation and a renewed relationship, but that's not a given. You are in no way obligated to continue or resume a relationship with anyone, whether or not you have chosen to forgive them.

Here's an analogy. Imagine if you had a house and someone came and dumped a bunch of rotten garbage in the livingroom and then left. It is their responsibility, yes. They did it. But... you have to live with it. You have the choice of stubbornly living with rotten garbage or cleaning it out yourself. Yeah, they should be the ones to take responsibility for it, but they're not going to. Ever. So the choice is, basically, live with the garbage or get rid of it and live more happily.

Another analogy is to imagine that you have loaned someone money. They owe it to you, and they know it. You pursue them about it, and they never respond. You keep it "on the books", and every time you balance them, you remember that debt. Eventually, you come to the point where you figure out that it's not worth keeping it on the books, it's not worth pursuing it, and they're never going to settle up, so you forgive the debt and strike it off the books, mark it as a loss, and go on with your life and your bookeeping, now free of having to remember and pursue a debt that is never going to be settled.

Most people think of forgiveness as some sort of saying "Oh, well, it's okay what you did," but it's not that. You're just choosing, for your own health and sanity and well being, to stop carrying it around with you, unburden yourself, and stop letting it unbalance your books and stink up your house. Forgiveness is for you, not for them.

It has taken me many years to learn how to forgive, but doing so has been profoundly and deeply healing. I don't want or need to be angry, to be hurt, to keep accounts for what other people do. I'm accountable for myself, and for my actions, and also for my reactions. Holding on to other people's misbehaviour is just a burden to me, so I choose to let go, to forgive.

The people who have hurt me will answer for their actions eventually, just as I will answer for my own actions. I may as well let go and let the Universe deal with it . I also suspcet strongly that until I let go, the Universe can't deal with it, as with many kinds of manifestation; as long as you hold onto it tightly, it's in your hands, not the hands of God.

A great deal has been written on the topic of the healing power of forgiveness. Now there's one more essay on the topic, from someone who has been there and done that and gotten the healing and transformation that comes with letting go of the anger, resentment, hatred, pain, and burden that comes with holding a grudge. It's not worth it. Put it down, and move on with life. It's a lot more pleasant to move through life without the extra baggage.

Just a note to myself regarding my Self

The bottom has dropped out and the realisation is inescapable. I AM the Creator of my own life, of my own self. All of it, I did it. I didn't realise I was doing it, I didn't know how/what/where/when, but I did every bit of it. I created it. It's all my own Self.

It's time to surrender to that understanding, and stop resisting the idea of... well... power of that magnitude. It's okay if I screw up, because I've done that lots of times, anyway, and, well, none of this really matters in the long run. It's all a play, it's all a splendid, amazing, complicated soap opera, and I'm writing it, and I'm acting it, and I'm being it, and I'm all the other characters, all at once, infinitely. Yes. Okay. I AM.

I surrender to my Self.

The Ego and Its Predictable Shenanigans

I'm not sure if this is a spiritual gift type ability or just the ability to notice, but lately I've got a very good knack for knowing just what an ego is up to with its shenanigans. This is a little more difficult when it's my own ego, for the same reason that it's hard to read something written on a piece of paper and stuck right up in your face, but when I'm able to step back, I can see it in my own ego-self, as well.

At this point, I see this in fairly crude strokes. I don't know if it will become more nuanced or subtle as time goes on. I'm starting to think that maybe it won't, because the ego is not actually a particularly nuanced or subtle thing to begin with.

It appears that it's almost all based on defending the ego's self-generated "identity", that sense of "self". The "I", the "me". Anything that threatens the ego's self-generated image of who it is and what its world is like must be ignored or attacked, so that the ego and its image of itself remain intact.

The other factor, it seems, is that which psychology refers to as "projection", wherein an ego takes its own feelings, thoughts, ideas, image of the world, etc., and puts them on someone else, so as to avoid having to own them. Owning negative thoughts, impressions, etc., and accepting responsibility can also threaten the ego and its sense of self.

The pattern is essentially this: Ego has a worldview/self image. Something threatens that worldview by being contrary or different. Ego makes a comparison between its own worldview and the other presented. Ego reacts by dismissing, ignoring, arguing with, or otherwise rejecting opposing concept, idea, thought, whatever. In cases where the opposing idea is actually one similar to the ego's own negative beliefs, but which the ego does NOT want to acknowledge (some self-perceived shortcoming or flaw or failure, for example), projection is the most common tactic, putting the undesirable thought onto someone/something else, then attacking them/the idea.

Here are just a few examples, to illustrate what I mean. Know that the possibilities are pretty much limitless, though.

Example: You say that Christianity is not the only way to God. My identity (or part of it) is based on Christianity being the only way. Therefore, to preserve my identity, I will fight you and defeat you, and then I'll be safe. You will be wrong, invalid, incorrect, and my worldview and sense of self will remain intact.

Example: You seem to be very knowledgable and smart. I believe, on some level, that I am neither knowledgable nor smart. I don't want to face my own feelings of inadequacy in this area, so I will assume that you think you're smarter than I am and I'll attack you for your "superior attitude". Then I can triumph over my own feelings of inferiority by projecting them onto you, and my ego-self is no longer threatened and I don't have to examine my own beliefs.

Example: I have a spiritual teacher/guru and believe it is necessary to have one in order to "achieve enlightenment". You say people don't need a teacher/guru. If I accept what you say, I will be forced to question my decision to devote myself to my teacher/guru, my belief that I must have one, and my ability to judge and decide. As part of my identity is strongly based on being "right" and "correct", I must attack you and your ideas in order to preserve my worldview and identity and to be "correct".

Example: You appear to me to be a strong person. I don't believe I'm strong, and when I compare myself to you, I feel threatened, because I am reminded of my belief/feeling of being weak. I will therefore attack you so that you appear less strong and I can feel less weak.

Example: I think/see/believe that you are beautiful. I believe I am ugly. I don't want to feel ugly, and therefore when I compare myself to you, your beauty threatens me and reminds me that I (believe I) am ugly. Rather than deal with my own beliefs, over which I think I have no control, I will take steps to make myself feel that you are not beautiful, by telling myself and others that you are stupid, stuck up, rude, sexually promiscuous, or whatever else I think will make you more ugly and less beautiful. Once I feel comfortable with my new image of you as not-that-beautiful, I can stop being reminded of my own perception that I'm ugly.

I could go on with example after example. These are just a few off the top of my head (ones I've experienced directly, sometimes as the attacker and sometimes as the one being attacked, and sometimes just from observation). Note, too, that "attack" doesn't have to mean direct confrontation. It can also be something like ignoring, passive-aggressive tactics, killing with kindness, etc. There are many ways for an ego to deflect having to examine itself, but in the end it all comes down to defending the ego's sense of self and world view (which are pretty much one and the same, when you really consider it).

Now, I want to make it crystal clear that I include my own ego-self in this whole thing. I've pulled every trick in the book as far as deflecting blame and shirking responsibility and projecting and all of it. I was a real piece of work when I was younger, very, very self-deluded, and I still have my moments, heck, I have days and even weeks, when I'm quite absorbed in my ego and its ongoing dramas.

And, yes, it's a lot easier to recognise these things in others than in one's self. Other people are a reflection of oneself (i.e., ego automatically compares itself to others), and naturally, it's easier to see these things in that reflection. It's also easier to put on makeup by looking at a reflection in a mirror than trying to do it without any such assistance.

So, that's the deal. Defend and project, that's pretty much it. So far, everything that I've seen and evaluated comes down to that. And the most comical thing is that a worldview isn't even that significant. It's just one of billions or trillions or gazillions. It isn't "right" or "wrong", it just is what it is. There's no need to defend it, and there's no need to protect the ego's self-image, because it's just a collection of thoughts, ideas, memories, beliefs, and so forth. it's just an image. And yet, an infinite volume of energy is spent on defending and propping up and protecting this make-believe, self-generated "character" that we think of as who we are...

Another Thing Which Defines Me

Having recovered from my shame and horror and humiliation and all that stuff associated with the clear realisation that I have, for almost all of my life, used pain as a means of defining myself, a means of reinforcing and limiting and structuring and making sure that the "me" is always the "me", I have come to another quite humiliating realisation.

Not only have I used pain as a defining element in my life, I have also used difficulty, struggle, as a means of defining (and limiting) myself.

And for what? Nothing. There is no reason I need to struggle, just as there is no reason I need to be in constant pain of one sort or another, and there is no need to carry around volumes of anger (which I used to do, and which I also used as a defining element). I don't need to define myself at all, because that which I think of as "myself" doesn't exist at all, anyway, so why bother defining it?

I could write at some length about where and how I learned that in order to be "me" I had to struggle, but I won't bother, because it doesn't matter. I did learn it, I adopted it, and I formed attachments to being the "struggling self" who "survived" and blah blah blah. Feels stupid just writing that. It's so ridiculous when I see it now.

I wonder how many more of these ridiculous "self-defining" patterns are going to turn up? When I see them, I definitely recognise them, accept them, hang my head and cringe a little (well, you have to admit, it's a pretty stupid way to behave), and eventually let it go, along with the attachments. I'm happy to lose the attachments to all these "things" that supposedly make me who I am, but, gosh, have I always been such a fool? I'm kind of peeking out between my fingers hoping there aren't too many more "And now look HERE and see how ridiculous you've been!" moments. *sigh*

Dream: Hacking the System

I would hope that most people who read this blog (all three or four of you, heh) are familiar with the allegory of Plato's Cave. If not, follow the link and go have a read. I'll wait for you to get back.

In a book I read a while back (Spiritual Enlightenment: The Damndest Thing by Jed McKenna, a book I can definitely recommend if you want to have your reality challenged and your cage rattled), the allegory was presented not as a cave but as a movie theatre, with people spending their lives staring at the moving pictures on the screen and thinking it was real life, never understanding that they were sitting in a chair, from which they could get up, walk around, and even leave the theatre if they really wanted to do so. I liked that version of the allegory, and it has stuck with me.

That's the background of the dream I had today while taking a nap. One other piece of background information is that I have worked as an IT technician, and I'm a good one. I have a great deal of experience and knowledge of how computers and the internet work, to a much greater depth than the vast majority if people, including experienced internet users (that isn't bragging, by the way, it's just a basic statement of the situation). Now, on to the dream, which has all the qualities of being important, and a sort of "message".

In the dream, I took a job in a theatre. I was a sort of combination of usher, waiter, and technician. I would take care of the people who were in the seats, bringing them food or drink or similar. However, I could also give people a sort of magical fork to eat with, and this fork had an awakening effect on them, and they could start to turn their head and see me and communicate with me directly (how they were communicating previously I don't know; it seemed that I just knew when people needed something and brought it, without them being aware of me).

I then became aware that I could actually generate/create other utensils/tools. I tried making a knife that would function similarly to the fork, and I gave it to an awakened friend to try. They tried it and laughed because "the system" was reporting it as being something totally other than a knife. It was then that I understood that the entire theatre and, in fact, the whole world and everything I or anyone else could perceive was part of a sort of virtual reality, like a computer game (not dissimilar to The Sims or something along those lines), and that I had the ability to hack into the system to do all sorts of things with it. I also understood that the reason the knife didn't work as I planned was because I was just not that familiar with the system yet, but with practice I could hack/create anything I wanted.

And then I awoke.

The dream is still with me, very vividly, and I understand exactly what it means and what it's telling me. What I don't know is how to apply this, or, rather, how to go about hacking the system...

How to Attain Enlightenment

"What can I do to attain Enlightenment?" asked the eager disciple.

"See Reality as it is," said the Master.

"Well, what can I do to see Reality as it is?"

The Master smiled and said, "I have good news and bad news for you, my friend."

"What’s the bad news?"

"There’s nothing you can do to see—it’s a gift."

"And what’s the good news?"

"There’s nothing you can do to see—it’s a gift."

-Anthony De Mello, SJ